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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064605">the ever-living ghost of what once was</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldfyshie927/pseuds/goldfyshie927'>goldfyshie927</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood and Injury, F/F, Gideon the Ninth Spoilers (Locked Tomb Trilogy), Gideon!Harrow, Harrow the Ninth Spoilers (Locked Tomb Trilogy), Hurt No Comfort, Mild Blood, One Shot, POV Gideon Nav, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Sad, Sad Ending, Short One Shot, Tumblr Prompt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:49:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldfyshie927/pseuds/goldfyshie927</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in the end, all Gideon wants is to go home and home is Harrow.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gideon Nav &amp; Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Gideon Nav/Harrowhark Nonagesimus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the ever-living ghost of what once was</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Fuck you, Harrow.” </p><p>I mean it this time, as I stare at my reflection - your reflection - in the mirror. Your eyes aren’t right. They never are. My eyes don’t belong in your head, you freaky little gremlin. I hope you’re happy, leaving me alone like this. In your wimpy body with your noodle arms and your scrawny legs. I can’t even shower you properly. </p><p>“I hope you can hear me, wherever you are. Fuck you for all of this.”</p><p>I pull at my hair, tugging the ends. It’s too long. You’d hate it. But I can’t keep it short. It just keeps growing and growing and I feel like all I do is keep it cut and try my hardest to keep your body in one piece. I’m angry about it. Anger feels different in your body than it did in mine. It feels empty and cold. It’s familiar because it’s all I ever felt from you, at least until the end. But none of that matters anyway. All I wanted you to do was use me up, make yourself stronger and <em> win</em>. And you couldn’t even do that. You had to ignore me, like you always did, and make your own decisions.</p><p>“Fuck you,” I say again, pressing my fist against the mirror. It doesn’t budge. Your body is too weak and feeble to do any damage to anything. Doesn’t matter. I push harder, then pull my fist back and slam it into the glass. It shatters, tiny bits of glass tinkling down to the ground before I realize what I’ve done. </p><p>“Fuck me,” I mutter. </p><p>This isn’t my body to harm. And yeah, I’ve punched plenty of walls in anger before, but they were my fists and it didn’t matter if my knuckles were bruised or split or bleeding. I pull my fist back - your fist - and look at it. There are a couple of shards embedded in the skin and I wince as I pull them out with my fingertips. There’s not a lot of blood and I almost put your hand to my mouth to suck on it and make it stop but I think that would bother you so I just dab at it with my sleeve instead. </p><p>I’m sorry, Harrow. I am. I shouldn’t have done that to you.</p><p>I watch as it heals up and then your knuckles look good as new. You’ll never even know that anything happened but I’ll know. I’ll know I made you bleed and it will always hurt. I’m sorry. </p><p>“Where are you?” I ask. I know I won’t get an answer but I ask it anyway, like I do every day, because I am lonely and I fucking <em> miss you</em>. And I’m pissed that I miss you but goddamn: why’d you have to do this to us? </p><p>There’s noise in the hall and I ignore it because right now I just want to be left in my misery. I lay us down on the cot and curl up in a ball because now I’m tiny and I can do that comfortably and I know you always liked to be a little egg in bed. There are times where I feel a pain in your ribs - now is one of those times - and when I think about it, I think the feeling is probably just a lot of sadness. Who am I without you? I don’t even feel you here anymore. Before, it was like fighting a never ending tide but you were there and I would have been content to fight forever just to know you’d survived. It’s all just empty space now. Quiet. Awful, unbearable silence. </p><p><em> Harrow, </em> I think. <em> Harrow, if you come back I’ll never tease you again. I’ll never give you another horrible, stupid nickname again. Ever. I promise. I will keep doing your bidding and let you drive and never argue with you even though you couldn’t hear me arguing with you anyway. If you come back, I’ll just be good and stay where I am supposed to and keep being your battery. Happily.  </em></p><p>Your cheeks are wet. I reach up and touch them with calloused fingers. I never noticed how calloused your hands were before but I like it. I wipe the tears away, rub your cheeks and press the heels of your hands against my eyes until I see spots, like stars. It makes me cry harder because suddenly I remember when we were on our way to Canaan House and we saw all those amazing things through our shuttle window and it felt like the door was opening,  the door that would finally let me be free of the Ninth. And now all I want, all I’ll ever want, is for you to come back and to go back to Drearbrugh with me and to know that we never have to be lonely ever again. </p><p>Take me home, Harrow. Wherever it is. Just take me with you.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So so sorry for the pain. </p><p>This was a prompt fill and the prompt was: things you said with too many miles between us.<br/>Since Gideon is still in Harrow's body, the miles are......metaphorical. </p><p>I welcome prompts, so by all means, come by and send me a ship and prompt to be filled! you can find me on <a href="https://goldfyshie927.tumblr.com">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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